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hey this is Leo for actualise org and in this video I'm going to talk about how to make friends all right welcome back let's talk about how to make friends so in this video I want to talk about some of the problems that you might have if you're lacking in friends if you feel like you need more friends or if you feel like you want more from your friends maybe you want to get more out of your friendships that you're currently getting and to to do that there's actually some some deeper insights that you need to have about how friendship works what it is and how you can go about just improving the quality of your friendships and also the quantity so we'll take a look at all those and some of these things are simple but some of these ideas are also just things that you haven't thought about because so many people just take friendship ring granted they'll say like all friends you know friends I get friends spontaneously I just naturally get friends if they come then I have them if they don't then I don't but actually you can put some thought into how your friendships work and if you do that they'll function much better you'll be much more satisfied with them because for most people their friendships just function on autopilot and when that tends to happen you don't get the best results in fact you might get some bad problems so in this video we're gonna really talk about that and also how do you go out there and specifically start to make friends so let's talk about that first of all I think a very important idea that needs to be introduced right off the bat is the following quantity of friends versus quality of friends a lot of people will get hung up on this and they'll forget about quality completely and don't just focus on quantity and it'll be all about quantity how many friends do you have and probably the worst example of this is your Facebook friend count or how many followers you have on Twitter or something very shallow like that your Facebook friends those aren't real friends that's that's that's not a friend what I want to encourage you in this video is to start thinking a little bit deeper about your friendships and this means instead of focusing on the quantity and trying to get more friends than everybody else that that you know that's that's a losing game you don't want to play that game instead what I want you to really think about is focusing on the quality of your friends the quality how deep are your friendships the friends that you're friends with how supportive are they really how much do they really care about you as you and not from what they want from you try to extract something from you how many of your friends are actually people that you meet up with on a continuous basis and then how many of them are just people that you shoot one text message to once a month okay so quantity you don't need dozens or even hundreds of friends I think a lot of people get this wrong is that they think that well I need to have 50 friends or a hundred friends in reality you can't make use of those you can't make use of a hundred friends you don't have the time or the energy in the day to really extract all the like the benefit and you can out of a friendship with a hundred type of friendships it's not going to work what you really want is you want to focus more on quality and depth if you get even two or three or let's say five really high quality deep friendships going with people that are really in line with your values people that really support you people that are really interested in what you're interested in people that you really vibe with people that really kind of push you and challenge you or willing to be open and authentic with you people that you actually spend some time with face to face not just through electronic means those those are going to be enough to really satisfy you so if you don't have a lot of friends right now in your life this is actually very encouraging because this doesn't mean that you have to go out there and now befriend a hundred new people that's not necessary at all really what you're looking for is you're looking for just a couple a handful I'm really high quality friends so that's the first idea that I wanted to introduce the second idea is this idea that friends require energy and time energy and time to get the juice that you wanted a friendship you have to invest in it right a lot of people they'll just kind of take friendships for granted we have to you have to ask yourself okay how many friends do I really want but not only how many do I want but how many friends do I have time for how much energy I want to invest in each friendship that I have if you only want to invest five minutes then what can you expect to get back then all you can probably spec to get back is a Facebook wall post on your birthday that's it what else can you expect if you want to invest more time and you're willing to invest a couple hours a week into your friendship then you can expect a lot more from it so really ask yourself why do you need these friends do you need these friends just to look cool do you need these friends just to out friend somebody else that's in your social circle just they have more status little more prestige I mean those are all silly and stupid reasons in the end you want friends because friends give you deep companionship there you can have interesting conversations with them there's stuff that they can help you with you can help them with you can learn from each other you can push each other you can grow together that's really why you want a friend right okay so if that's the case then you got to think okay well that means I probably have to put a little or time into each friendship that means that I'm going to have fewer friendships not so many as we had here fewer of them and then I'll put more energy into them but then also get even more out of them it's actually really nice because I think that a lot of people unknowingly they actually get very frantic and and like very busy with their social life they're so busy because we have they have all these friends hitting them up and all these activities that they want to be doing but then you're not doing any of it you're just kind of hitting your friend up once a week or twice a week with a text message or something like that is this like very shallow interaction and what happens is that you're wasting a lot of time communicating but you're not really building anything long-lasting or deep there so instead of wasting so much time communicating writing little stupid messages back and forth I mean nothing why don't you actually like get one or two good friends start meeting up with them face-to-face and start having like richer interactions like actually doing interesting activities together growing together then like wow you can you can not be so frantic with all this messaging that's going back and forth you can just focus on a couple of people it's much more sane kind of a you know a minimalist approach to friendship building alright so I think it's better to really focus on just a few let's talk about now some of the problems so if you're watching this and you don't have very many friends maybe you don't even have a single friend and you want to make some how do you go about doing this let's take a look at first of all why this is happening why do you not have any friends and how how come you're not able to create friendships I think there's really four key elements to why people have problems making friends so let's cover those and then we'll go into each each point in depth one is not socializing you simply don't go out you don't interact with people you're sitting at home or you're cooped up at work or you're doing something when you're not about you can't physically interact with anybody so if you're not physically coming into contact with people then of course you're going to be very limited with how many friends you can have and make it's probably the biggest biggest hurdle that people have when they don't have friends hurdle number two is the following you don't have the time and the energy also a problem so this goes back to what we were trying to earlier how much time do you have for your friends how much energy do you have I mean if you're working 10 hours every day and you really focus on your career then how many friends can you expect to be able to have to maintain how much energy also are you willing to invest in the friendships or do you just expect that the other friend will do all the work are you going to invest time and energy into setting up meetups and coming up with activities that you're doing and kind of rounding everyone together and being kind of the leader of the group if you're not willing to do that then be honest with yourself and say that I have more important priorities maybe you do and there's nothing wrong with that you don't necessarily need friends but if you want the benefits of having a friend or a circle of friends then you need to also be cognizant of the investments that will be required both time and energy wise so if you don't have the time but you do want friends then you have to ask yourself okay how can I make some time to start to reprioritize some things maybe you shouldn't be working so much maybe you you should cut out some the TV that you're watching all the time or maybe you should cut out some of your internet browsing time or whatever you're doing that's wasting a lot of time in your life and I guarantee that you're doing stuff that is totally useless and wasteful cut that stuff out and then spend it with your friends point number three is you're ruining opportunities so this means that you are coming into contact with people maybe you even have friends in your life but then you're losing them it's like you're you're actually doing something to repel people and the reason that is is because you're ruining the opportunities for building lasting friendships and why is that happening ultimately it boils down to the fact that you're in some way very judgmental you're too judgmental of people for example for me I've never really had a problem with building friends on this point like I am introverted and I tend to be in my own shell I don't socialize that much I don't go out that much when I'm really like working or focused on something else so in that sense I won't have a lot of friends because of those points but I won't have a problem with like meeting someone new and then clicking with them that's because I'm very open minded I'm not judgmental about somebody when I meet them when I meet somebody like I'm interested in that person and that person has has something just going for him and I'm not going to judge him like oh he's you know he's wearing something stupid or like I don't like his ideas or this or that see if you're very judgmental and picky then of course you're gonna be bumping into a lot of people then you're going to be judging them so harshly that you're not gonna want to be friends with them instead what you got to do if you have this problem is you got a you got a you just got to open yourself up there's stuff that you can learn from other people and you don't necessarily need to become that person you can just be around that person be a friend with that person of course if you don't really mesh value-wise at all then you probably won't be good long-term friends you won't be like growing together anything but you can still be a loose acquaintance with that person but then if you do click then you can really go deep a lot of times you don't know who you click with until you spend a little time with them and see and really get to know them so don't judge a book by it's cover don't be too judgemental with the kind of friends that you keep have all sorts of friends around you have friends with all sorts of different beliefs and different ideas right this will make you more open-minded this will expose you to all sorts of new info and the the fourth point is the reason that people don't have friends is it because they're very shy and they're very unconfident in social situations even if they're out in about they're just very shy in their shells or they are fake in their conversations so if you're fake all the time or you're so shy and so scared to talk to people that you have trouble introducing yourself or troubling open up a conversation or trouble introducing the conversation topics that you are interested in if you have trouble doing that then of course it's going to be hard for you to make friends and you probably don't have very many friends because you need to you need to take the initiative especially at the beginning when you're trying to build a friendship you have to be putting energy into it and so is the other person you can't expect the other person to do all the work for you you have to share yourself too if to put yourself on the line you have to take your own ideas and the things that you love about life and you have to share those because the other person can't read your mind he or she they don't know what you're into so if you never talk about where you're into in a conversation then that person might not ever know about it and then you hope you miss an opportunity to click with that person on on anything so if you're always just like very very reserved or you're trying to be fake you're trying to put on this this fake facade when you're around people then of course that's creating a problem too and in the end no one really wants to be friends with a fake person because what really they want to do is they want to see the authentic you authenticity that's what is attractive and magnetic when you're being fake people usually see that through see through that very quickly and then they will not want to have anything to do with you so that's something that you want to work on if you have that sticking point okay so those are the four points ask yourself where you're really having trouble I think that for most people if they're really having trouble making friends or have zero friends at all it's really because of point number one you're not actually going out and being around people you need some ideas for how to do that see your life right now it's like this this pattern this habit of just going to work or going to home or doing doing stuff that's very isolated and insulating instead you want to open that up that means you need to do what you need to go join some new group join a club join an organization go hang out with the people that are at work you know organize a work event where you're going off out after work and socializing in some way to a bar club or restaurant or some some sort of event that you're doing together you got to do that maybe join some sort of sports team or sports league you can go to meetup calm there's tons of meetup groups that you can basically find a meetup group on any topic in an entire world that you want to and join that so you got to do a little bit of research and figure out where you can place yourself where you're literally surrounded by more people this is probably the biggest thing because if you do this the other points they'll tend to autocorrect right this idea about being shy and fake well if you're around a lot of people all the time then this shine fake thing it will eventually dissolve eventually you'll just kind of you know you'll break through it you'll bust out of your comfort comfort zone if you're around a lot of people but if you're never around a lot of people then it's not going to happen you're going to remain shy and fake and if you're always judgmental about people that - if you're always around a lot of people then you're not going to be able to maintain that judgmental attitude so the reason that you're very judgmental is probably because you're already very isolated and living in your own little bubble be around a lot of people be around a lot of diverse people and then your judgement it'll it'll also dissipate because your mind will open up people will open up your mind as you're interacting with them and also if you don't have the time and energy right now then that too might change after you go out and join one of these groups and start to socialize more because as you're socializing you're seeing little difficult to describe the benefits that you get from friends a lot of the benefits you get from friends are very subtle and small maybe a friend will just tell you about a book that they read it really liked or they'll tell you about a new cool restaurant that's opening or they'll invite you to go with them on some sub trip next weekend and just like very simple in things like that which can lead to actually pretty extraordinary profound changes in your life because maybe then you go to to that restaurant and you meet your dream spouse there or maybe you go read that book that they recommended and that turns out to be a life-changing for you so friends are nice because they open you up to all sorts of new ideas this is why having diverse friends is important don't just be friends with people that are identical to you you're not getting you're not getting that cross-pollination that you will get when you're interacting with people who are very different than you I love having friends that are very very different for me I learned so much from them to me those are some of the most rewarding and interesting friends all right so this is Leo this is how to make friends go ahead and post me comments down below and if you like this video go ahead and click the like button right now please share it if you like it and you want it to spread I'd love to spread this message that's why I release this content for free and finally go and check out my newsletter at actualize that already it's right here it's free I release new videos new articles other goodies exclusive to my subscribers every single week I really 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